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Bobfly
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Posts: 3862
Location: Jacksonville, NC

PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2581   
Being a court reporter and keeping a straight face can be trying at times...Here's some examples of courtroom humour:




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________


And last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Bill Cummings
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Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 62
Location: Las Cruces NM 88005

PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:07 am    Post subject: Hope this is a new one. Reply with quote #2582   
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks
up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"



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jjcote
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Joined: 01 Dec 2007
Posts: 3377
Location: Lunenburg, MA, USA

PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 2:14 pm    Post subject: Re: Hope this is a new one. Reply with quote #2583   
Bill Cummings wrote:
The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"

This is almost exactly a scene from the movie Hear My Song, except it takes place in Ireland, it's a big rock and a cow, and the two guys figure out what's going on and narrowly avoid disaster. It's really funny.

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LadyHawk
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Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 303
Location: Daly City, CA

PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2584   

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whitemaw
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Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Posts: 413
Location: Decatur, Georgia

PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2585   
Global Facts about Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 elderly person is surfing HangGliding.org

You hang in there, Sunshine

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Avnav8r
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Joined: 06 Jan 2008
Posts: 1102
Location: Trenton, Georgia

PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 6:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2586   
Hey Y'all,

You may have heard this one before, but here goes...

Bill, the neighborhood postal carrier was finally ready to retire after 35 years. Many of the residents along his route decided to give him a present on his last day of delivery. At one house, he got a gold watch. At another, a fruit basket and so it went. He got to the last house on the block and was met at the door by beautiful Mrs. Jones, who was dressed in a sexy nightgown. She took Bill by the hand, led him upstairs to the bedroom and made sweet, passionate love to him. Afterwards, she invited him into the kitchen where she made him a bountiful breakfast. Bill was both stunned and pleased. Mrs. Jones said, "I almost forgot one thing!" At this, she reached into her purse and pulled out a crisp, one dollar bill and handed it to Bill. He asked, "What's this for?" To this she replied, "I told my husband that you were retiring and that everyone in the neighborhood was giving you something on your last day of work. I asked him what should we get you? His answer was, "F*ck him! Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea!"

John Stokes
www.osceolabaldeagle.com

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Fawkes
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Joined: 10 Jan 2009
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Location: W-Europe

PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2587   

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Phoenix
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Joined: 21 Dec 2010
Posts: 1957

PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2588   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Last edited by Phoenix on Sat Feb 26, 2011 10:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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selbaer
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Joined: 21 Aug 2006
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Location: Hensons Gap, TN

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2589   
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Bobfly
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 4:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2590   
http://www.wimp.com/mchammer/
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whitemaw
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Location: Decatur, Georgia

PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2591   

Link



Link

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slimchance
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2592   

Link
[/quote]

Now that was good! roflcat

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BBJCaptain
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Joined: 21 Jan 2010
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2593   
Are you going to finish those?


Link

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Life's goal is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body.
But rather to slide in sideways, totally worn out and broken, shouting
"Holy Crap, WHAT A RIDE !!"

Open carry IS our second amendment in action. Concealed carry is a regulated privilege.
http://forum.opencarry.org/forums/forum.php
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BBJCaptain
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2594   
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ATP,MEL,HELI, http://www.youtube.com/user/BBJCaptain/videos

Life's goal is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body.
But rather to slide in sideways, totally worn out and broken, shouting
"Holy Crap, WHAT A RIDE !!"

Open carry IS our second amendment in action. Concealed carry is a regulated privilege.
http://forum.opencarry.org/forums/forum.php
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Erik Boehm
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2595   
Selbaer:
Too bad thats BS.

The most obvious BS part is when they call a sidewinder an air to ground missile.

Other BS parts include the automatic missile launch system, that a radar gun would be detected and considered a hostile radar system, and that a radar jammer would render a radar gun unable to be reset.

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kukailimoku
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #2596   
Erik Boehm wrote:
Selbaer:
Too bad thats BS.

The most obvious BS part is when they call a sidewinder an air to ground missile.

Other BS parts include the automatic missile launch system, that a radar gun would be detected and considered a hostile radar system, and that a radar jammer would render a radar gun unable to be reset.


http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

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selbaer
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Joined: 21 Aug 2006
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Location: Hensons Gap, TN

PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2597   
too bad, it sounded funny
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CHassan
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2598   
I had a strong feeling it was fake, but the story was funny enough to read and chuckle at. Much like the rest of the stories here.
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UnTuckable
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #2599   
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red
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Location: Great Salt Lake, Utah, USA, Sol III

PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 7:02 am    Post subject: Things that make you laugh your ass off Reply with quote #2600   
UnTuckable wrote:
http://i.imgur.com/tQON4.jpg

Untuckable,

YEP !! . . . Notice to dictators anywhere . . .

. . . thumbsup . . . thumbsup . . . thumbsup . . .

Mr. Green



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