"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary
friend."
--Yasir Arafat (On going to war over religion)
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we
can open all our own jars."
--Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
--George Burns
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.' "
--Sandra Bullock
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer
will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
--Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
--Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
--Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker."
--Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
--Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
--Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
--Tiger Woods
Infinite wisdom?
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
--Axel Rose (Guns' n' Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master."
--Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b****."
--Jack Nicholson
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout,
"WHO'S HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside..
"Guido, I wana' you lissina me. I wana' you to take-a my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy.
Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...
"Whudda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up'?" _________________ H3/AT/FL et.al.
Unanswered
Highest rated...
Topics
